I’ve written and erased what I’ve wanted to say so many times. I still probably am failing myself with written expression, and character limits.
I’ve had full monologues in my head, and also much that has been scribbled down or typed out for a book I feel called to write.
I’ve pushed it off, busying myself with any number of other things, distractors, but here we are.
It’s today.
The day of the ever coveted and celebrated due date, but we all know baby comes when it wants. I’ve been acutely aware that instead of this post, I could have been doing skin to skin with a milk drunk infant as I, in a state of euphoric exhaustion perhaps was writing a post about something entirely different.
A birth announcement and comparison side-by-side pictures from my other babies, my newborn nursing/pumping schedule (for my condition), signs of early PPD and how to get support, how much food I ate after birth (always impressive to me), or any number of things relevant to the situation.
But here I am.
Extremely raw with the realization that none of the coursing emotions that had filled my heart, mind, and body when I saw two lines, are something physical I could hold in my arms today, if today had in fact been THE day.
Enter guilt, feelings of panic, and so much more that also came with these lines. I absolutely experienced that as well.
This post isn’t to publicly beat myself up further though. I’ve done that enough.
Your partner, Doctor, friends and more can say “It’s not your fault” and you can also tell yourself that, but in my experience, I didn’t release myself from guilt or imposed fault while completely wallowing in grief.
Through my grief, I did learn forgiveness.
I learned about myself, and about loss situations I had empathy and support for in the past, but now was living through. It was a new understanding and one that leaves a lifelong imprint on your heart.
Grief and Loss can have the most tremendous impact. It can bring out the best, and worst in people. It can change you, for better or worse.
It can tear your life apart, or bring your life together.
Or both.
This is continued in the pictures above. Please swipe left to read. 💜
