Image post

My mornings started with vomit, every day. When I thought they weren’t going to start that way they always did and I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be so happy to be sick. The vomiting often led to a blood nose, which I’m prone to when I am fatigued. So each morning my face was like a crime scene and I would pull myself together and go to work. I never once took feeling unwell during pregnancy for granted and I am aware that sounds crazy. But how lucky was I to be so sick because my body was busy making a new life. How lucky was I that I was sick because I was pregnant. My 12 week scan was nerve racking. I can’t say whether it was more or less scary than my 8 week one. After miscarriage and loss I think they’re all anxiety inducing. My partner came with me this time knowing that this was a triggering time frame for me given that my scan had been fine in May and then I lost our first babe in June and told at the 12 week scan. The cold jelly on my stomach, probe hit my skin; there was my rainbow. Looking more like a tiny person. The minute I had the dream I would conceive I knew this was my son. The little boy I dreamt of months earlier on the plane. The sonographer asked if I was going to find out the gender. I said I already knew it was a boy. She asked if I had done the harmony test and knew that way? I said no. She smiled and said I think you might be right but I guess we’ll have to wait a little longer to be sure. I didn’t need to wait, I knew. My scan went well, anterior placenta and my little pea was safe. At 13 weeks I went to the toilet, blood. Tiny amount but blood. My heart fell into my feet. My partner took me to the emergency department, poor guy was trying to offer hope. He tried reminding me bleeding in early pregnancy can be normal and all I could do was think “fresh blood, not brown, fresh is not good”. The nurses asked my questions, I responded just wanting them to scan me, show me my baby. I remember saying “yes I’ve been pregnant before, no living children”. They were lovely, they understood my urgency. They directed me to imaging. (Continue in comments)